Passion more than obsession

When I turned 21 I had my first beer. I know what you may be thinking but even living in a college dorm didn’t cause my paranoia of getting in trouble for under aged drinking to subside (except for one wine cooler but nobody’s perfect).  I remember looking at the liquor isle in the grocery store and determining what beer I would buy to be my first.  I ended up buying a 40oz bottle of Miller High Life and poured it proud that I was able to wait this long to try out my first brew.  After drinking about half of the cup I had poured myself I had decided that I could probably wait a little longer before trying another beer again.

I had tried to keep an open mind about alcoholic beverages and how amazing people made them out to be but I never found the taste of wine or beer (especially beer) very palatable. I tried all of the commercial lagers and light lagers and they were all pretty much the same to me.  None of this was worth my time and money as far as the experience of it was concerned.  As I got a little older I had resolved myself that alcohol was to be used for the “buzz” factor and that if I didn’t think about it I could down these beers without inducing a gag reflex.  I remember the purchasing factors had to be maximum ABV for the dollar and most of the time I would end up with a 30 stone pack of Keystone Ice.  Hours of pounding cans inevitably got me to the state where flavor was no longer an issue and I would forget about it the next day anyway.

After wasting my life for the next few years as a closet alcoholic and developing a bad case of acid reflux I determined that this cycle of beer consumption just wasn’t worth it.  With new resolve I had determined that beer was a requirement of a social norm and that everyone was doing the same as me by choking down suds for the inebriating effect.  I decided to stop drinking and over the next few years ended up getting married and having a few kids.  During this period I also found out that I had a blood disorder that would require me to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life which in essence does not create a good environment for alcoholic consumption.  Never the less I maintained a good separation from “beer” during this time until I got an itch one day to try something new.

I don’t remember where or when it was but I remember someone telling me that I needed to try a Fat Tire by New Belgium Brewery.  I had seen a lot of signs in restaurants and liquor stores for Fat Tire and was aware of its existence but was never compelled to take the plunge.  I remember ordering a pint of Fat Tire at a restaurant one night with my family and when it was delivered to my table I was taken back by the fact that it was darker than most of the beers I had tried in the past.  A little shaken but not dissuaded I took a sip and was surprised to experience something I had never had in a beer before… flavor.  Not just flavor but a little bit of bitterness with some sweet at the finish and complexity that I couldn’t even describe at the time.  This was the best beer ever!

With a newly found interest in what I had just experienced I ordered this beer when I went out to dinner with friends or family.  I was talking to some people about this new kind of beer that I had never experienced before and how amazing it was and how talented these Belgium brewers were.  I was promptly corrected with laughter and mocking to find that this was brewed here in Colorado (I was never much for reading beer labels before that moment).  This moment sparked the ultimate question of what else was within the state lines that I had been missing out on.  I wandered to Wynkoop brewing and enjoyed their Chile Beer and their Barley Wine (which induced another round of laughing at and mocking at my expense but we won’t get into that) and Rock Bottom to try their Red Ale.  So far so good and I was enjoying what I found in these similar styles but I was never too adventurous when it came to other styles.

I had attempted Guinness and it never met the taste that I had grown accustomed to nor did many of the ambers that I tried or any of the IPAs considering I have an acute sensitivity to bitter (as all my hop head friends shed a tear for me).  In the end all I could point out in the beer as I drank it was the little bit of sweet with a little bit of bitter and that was the combination I just had to have.  I never tried to look for anything discernible in the complexities of my beers, a habit I ended up forming in my immediate post college days to tune out the beer’s flavor for better or worse.  This wouldn’t change until the summer of 2011, almost a decade from tasting my first beer, when a friend of mine was determined to find a stout that I would like.

I had many people try to convince me along this journey that there are many more wonderful things to experience than just Brown Ales and that I needed to start branching out more.  I had found my niche though and each time I wandered I usually found myself with a bottled commercial style that just reaffirmed my opinion of not wanting to ruin the good thing I had going on with Fat Tire.  I never really liked beers darker than a brown ale because to me the smoke had crossed over the border of my tolerable bitterness levels and my apprehension kept me from looking for the subtleties of these beers’ flavors.  One of my coworkers, having heard that I disliked stouts based off of my run ins with Guinness and Guinness Extra Stout, had said that he would bring something for me to my next party and I just had to try one and he wouldn’t be offended if I didn’t like it. When he came by a few days later he was carrying a 4 pack of Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout and I poured one into a glass with much skepticism.  I tasted it and thought to myself that this was just like everything else I had tried in my past and set it down while I went to go talk to some friends and tend to the grill.  A few minutes later, after my initial taste, the beer had left a rich dark chocolate sweetness on my tongue and left me curious as to how this beer could have that kind of flavor.  When I came back to the glass the beer had warmed a little.  While concerned, I took another sip to find that not only had the flavors changed but they were of coffee, chocolate and oatmeal. A semi-sweetness and just the right amount of smoke in the finish made me realize that this was the path my friends were trying to lead me down this whole time.

Since then I have not only developed a taste for stouts but have taken the time to educate myself on why I didn’t like them before and the elements involved in why I like them now.  The realization of glass v bottle, glass types depending on the type of beer, drinking temperatures and flavor profiles have enlightened me as to why I didn’t like some of the beers I had drunk before and allowed me to actually enjoy some of the ones that I had discounted without realizing I just hadn’t been paying attention.  This process has been facilitated by some of my coworkers who have been home brewing for years, like my friend Robert who has introduced me to different styles and flavors of beer, some I had never knew existed.  Stumbling across sights like beeradvocate.com with the Alström Brothers and drinkwiththewench.com with Ashley Routson have opened my eyes to the range of craft beer in the world today and have equipped me with new tools allowing me to appreciate every aspect of it.

I am a beer novice and am just getting my feet wet in this amazing new world I have discovered.  I am learning how to discern the elements of a beer and how to properly communicate that information and am developing my palette to embrace some styles that I had never imagined I could ever enjoy (thanks Pliny the Elder).  The bottom line is that I have always loved to experience new flavors and sensations and craft beer is the flame that has ignited a new passion in my life.  Living in Colorado I am in a perfect place to develop my appreciation to maybe one day brew something myself.  Whether I am drinking something from the local brewery or a fresh bottle of a home brew, I am excited to experience everything this community has to offer.

Anxiety

I am lost in my own untrusting, uncaring, unsympathetic mind as I dont care about anyone else’s *uckin issues and problems, my problems are at the forefront of my own depression right now and to hold someone’s hand through anything is not going to happen. My world is collapsing, I’m loosing my footing on the wide path of life that rolls like a roller coaster on speed through my overly active imagination of unanswered questions and thoughts. Checking out seems as the only way to survive right now, crawl into my happy place they say, but that is lost as well. I used to think about the calming of the ocean gentily rushing towards the beach as to wash away all the miseries and tears that have been dropped for the mere glimpse of a setting sunset, but I cant even bring a picture to mind.

ouch

Pain in my heart and anxiety on the rise makes days disappear into nights, and nights disappear into days as my mind seems to drift away. I’m slipping past reality as if I have been asleep for years and fighting back the tears of the pain around. reaching out to grasp something anything to keep me from falling to the ground.

Holding my heart

Buried under responsibility I constantly dig through tasks in order to someday get on top of things. You are a maker and I’m an analyst, but you don’t know how jealous I am of your life. If we could change rolls without effecting our lives I wouldn’t hesitate for a second to make the transition. But life rarely plays out like we hope and we submit to the paths that have been dug over years of traveling them.
I rarely take time to smell the roses while you long for escape but are afraid to journey out alone. Our paths cross for seconds as we overlap our space for fleeting moments. I am coming into opportunity signifying a positive change in my life. You feel alone longing for experiences that you never had a chance to realize. You had me and that was enough, but time and circumstances have changed our dynamic.
We speak in heated words over trivialities not worthy of our breath. We snap at each other because we miss the time we had but end up distancing ourselves in the process. I miss your laughter, you miss my presence, we long collectively for times past. I kiss you goodbye as I walk out the door and you embrace me in a moment of desperation. Words avoid the subject until your tears bring courage long enough to say, “I miss you.”
I felt your sincerity as you buried your face in my neck and my heart broke as I said it was only for a little while longer. We cast one last gaze before I turned and left.
I have always loved you unconditionally, for the hope of moments like these. I just hope you can see the intentions of my heart behind the responsibilities I have taken on for you.

I closed my eyes

I closed my eyes and let sound and sensation envelope me. Sounds of leaves rustling break up the echos of car engines muffled by retaining walls. I perceive movement surrounding me as the city consumes my consciousness. Variations of drones accompanied by rubber against concrete. By comparison nature seems isolated, consumed by loneliness as my focus shifts to the wind blown trees, drowning out the voices of the highway. Steps in the distance distract me from my journey into my euphoic sense of nature causing my eyes to open and other senses to numb. Thrust back into the visible world I long to be embraced by the visions imparted by the song of the city. My mind paints pictures of bright lights contrasted against the night sky reminding me of times lost over the decades. My heart is warm and comforted by these moments as the bite of the fall air nips at my face and pierces my core. A moment, artificially made, consumed by sound and forgotten memories, brings me a moment of peace in the midst of my personal storm.

UN

How is it that one girl can turn your head hard enough, that when you gaze into her eyes nothing in the world or even the space between you and her challenges to exist, heck sometimes all I can hear is her heart beat which is probably the echo of my own…its a very out-of-body experience, one that I have never experienced and I have done and I have seen alot of interesting things so far… but those will be discussed later and only on request.

Constructive Dialogue

I have been craving conversation lately. Like a hole that is growing bigger and bigger every day, I long to fill the void by spending as much time as I can talking to friends and family.  I want to talk about love and life, things from now and years ago, things of substance and value, hurts, joys, passions, dreams and ideas of who we are.  I at ease when I am in a setting where I can talk to people about things that matter.  I enjoy listening and responding to different subject matters, making sense of new concepts and asking questions to understand people better.  I want so much to hear, and so much to be heard.

I think that is why I have been obsessed with writing lately and wanting to just spill my guts to everyone just to see who will reply.  Maybe I’m looking for validation or maybe I just need an outlet to decompress, either way I am in need of constructive dialogue. Sometimes the simplest things can be the most profound and I am just looking for something genuine and unpretentious.

So if you are looking to have a good ol’ talk, just need to spill your guts or want to hear what is going on with me, just give me a call, shoot me an IM email or text or meet me for a coffee or a beer.

Simplify

Recently it has become my goal to simplify as much as possible in my life.  Whether it is for stress reduction or cost savings, it has become clear to me that simplification is key.  One of the biggest challenges, being my house, embodies all the elements of my life that needs to be reduced to its basest forms.

Renting sucks because at the end of your lease you move on to another place with nothing to be said for all the money and effort you invested in your last one.  Owning a home gives you a tangible return with the unfortunate side effect of requiring you to invest more effort and money than you would normally experience in the leasing scenario. Compound the cost of home ownership with 3 kids and the ever-growing collection of stuff and you have transitioned from home ownership to the home owning you.  I am regrettably a victim of the latter and am committing myself to turning the tables and making what I have work for me.

I have a few goals that I’m planning on accomplishing in 2012 (before the world ends hopefully) that should cut costs and reduce stress in my life and hopefully my wife’s.  I have always wanted minimalism in my surroundings but like everything else, if you don’t remove the old to make room for the new the stuff overtakes everything.  I have been actively pursuing the less is more goal but kids collect stuff and wives buy stuff. I am working on a compromise plan that should work for everyone but I have to work on pitching my ideas so I can have buy-in from the rest of the family.

Part of reducing the stuff factor is not buying things for a purpose when something else we have can be re-purposed to do the same thing.  This is a cost saving feature that should eliminate the stockpiles of junk that families inevitably amass.  Websites like Lifehacker and Instructables are great resources for this and I have always loved the ideas I get from those sites.  I would like to get a plan up and running before the end of the year but for the interim I do what I can with the time and tools I have.

friend poem

Dream of peace all day long,

Slip away into your favorite song.

Know that happiness is in your view,

Sadness and anger is never you.

 

Sometimes love is hard to find,

At times happiness seems far behind.

Hold your head high and know yourself,

As your safety for you and your kids, defines your wealth.

 

Please cheer up my dear friend,

Be happy and true.

Be proud of who you are,

And all that you do.

blog-o-rama, of Brutal Honesty

Never thought I would be blogging of my dreams, my life, my passions, experiences and so forth. I’m good for some damn brutal honesty, a few poems, crazy life experiences and random thoughts, pet-peeves and disgusts. I always say that I am computer illiterate and in fact I would rather be this than walking this earth with complete confusion as so many do. I hold hands constantly and not in the loving way….I will post a ton of shit, probably everyday and then I will get bored of this..just being honest!