There are days when I just want to sleep in until 6am. Conflict resolution over a spilled box of cereal all over the kitchen floor before the sun comes up is not my ideal start to the day. But that is my life. In fact it was my life long before my divorce and partially the cause of it. I have always been perfectly capable of taking care of three kids by myself, but it’s harder when you’re doing that and you have a spouse that could be helping out. I’m not saying that I’m super dad and I am far from perfect (you should see my kitchen right now) but when times get tough I can’t just throw up my hands and say I give up; I have to keep moving forward.
I have three kids that are 5 years apart from youngest to oldest. My youngest son is a singularity, rapidly throwing my universe into chaos with seemingly unlimited energy with no signs of mellowing down in the next decade. I chose this and despite how difficult some days may be, I don’t regret that choice. Sometimes I need out and get some friend time, and though child care often times requires an act of God I always seem to get the time I need to recover from a crazy day.
I am lucky to have my best friend as my roommate. Our roles are very defined, I am the parent of three children and she’s the owner of dogs and we don’t cross those streams LOL. But when I need someone she is always there for me, and I hope that I am there for her in the same way. I think it’s important to have that healthy adult interaction to keep you sane during those manic kid moments.
I have tried to maintain a romantic relationship while doing the single parent thing, but a lot of the time I find that I don’t have the energy to give enough of myself to a partner while emotionally supporting three kids simultaneously. When I actually find the balance of energy distribution between a significant other and my offspring I am often accused of being emotionally vacant, where in reality my emotional gas tank is just on empty. That’s my reality and why I find that friendships are more important at this stage of my life than investing in a romantic relationship. I’m not against investing in love, but at the end of the day that person needs to know that I may be worn down but I still care for them despite my energy levels, and if I can find someone who is ok with that then I will be happy to give them my heart. Until that day, my friends and I will keep doing what we’re doing now.
I can see things calming down a bit in ten years or so but I know well enough not to limit life and what it may have in store for me. For all I know I could find someone perfect for me and my situation in a month or I may need to wait it out for another 15 years. My friend and spiritual kindred spirit posted this to her Facebook yesterday and I feel like this really sums up where I am in my journey these days.
This is something I try and keep in the forefront of my mind as I navigate through fatherhood and relationships. I know that my life is still feeling the aftershocks of my marriage and that my ability to invest in a relationship is far less than what I would like. However, when I reflect on these words it gives me peace and something to pay attention to, so when clarity comes I can start pursuing the desires of my heart once again.