I have needed to get away for a long time now, and though I don’t prefer to be alone when I travel, I still enjoy the time I get to quietly contemplate where I am and where I am headed. This trip has been no exception, however, I find that my thoughts are more turbulent than normal. The silence is the hardest part of this trip because in the calm of the shallows of my mind lay swift undercurrents that are a little distressing when faced head on. I have no distractions here except for the brief interludes of Facebook posts and text messages, which drift off in the noise of my own head state.
Mindfulness is a great practice. It’s not mystical, it’s not exclusive, anyone can do it. It’s about breaking down the layers of your thoughts and becoming aware of why you are where you are. To me, my introspection has shown me that I have been sweeping a lot of subjects under my proverbial rug recently instead of confronting them in myself. Being in the silence has been hard for me this trip, something I have rarely had issues embracing.
Distractions are the reason I am struggling right now. I have been distracting myself from dealing with my issues for a while now. In a way, I have been lying to myself about some of them. But part of being a strong parent is by choking down the tears, sometimes being a good friend is biting your tongue when you are angry, and sometimes being a good person is admitting that you don’t have it all figured out. So rather than taking time out for myself to navigate the challenges of each day, I have been distracting myself, marching forward with the purpose of avoiding some of the more difficult subject matters.
I am here, now, and I cannot escape the silence. I am looking into the mirror of my heart and it is clouded with months of unanswered questions, stacked up in piles, obfuscating my awareness. I am open about how I am with so many people but lately, my words have become confusing, and as I look inside myself I think I have found out why. I don’t know where I stand, how I got here, or where I am going. I am on autopilot and my navigator took the last parachute a long time ago.
So I’m refocusing, looking in the dark corners, and admitting to myself that I cannot operate this way and be self-sustainable. I needed this silence in order to be the parent I need to be, to be the friend I need to be, to be the activist that I need to be, but most of all to be the man that I need to be for myself. It hurts but without pain how are we supposed to grow. I’m pulling the arrows out of my body and moving forward. I own my actions. I am who I am. I will continue in the path that I see before me. But more than anything I will never neglect myself again.